Just the word makes me wretch
To say that I abhor them
Isn’t a stretch
What is my problem?
Why do they put me in a tizzy?
They’re in it for themselves
And have zero authenticity
There’s no product they won’t push
No idea they’ll shy away from
Even if the product is shit
And the idea is really dumb
Let’s take a step back
And see where it all began
I’ll start with the Kardashians
And their god-awful clan
Their father was a lawyer
Who set a murderer free
No that’s not relevant
But still bugs the hell out of me
Kim was the first influencer
To go gluten-free
The press ate it up
But I made my plea
Then came Kylie and Kendall
And the rest of the K’s
Gluten-free became mainstream
It was now officially a craze
Miley Cyrus joined in
As did Channing Tatum
Don’t get me started on Gwyneth Paltrow
(I just coughed up some phlegm)
“So what?” you may be saying
“Why does it give you such pause?”
Well I’m a celiac advocate
And it doesn’t help the cause
When celebrities go gluten-free
But mainly for clicks
It makes it harder for the rest of us
When one crumb gets us sick
Then Kimmel and Fallon
And late night hosts all tell jokes
Making fun of gluten-free
The only treatment for us celiac folks
But here’s the sad thing
It’s not just the famous
It’s people in the GF community
Who are a pain in my anus
They promote unsafe products
And restaurants too
Why do they this?
I’ll give you a clue
The word starts with C
And ends in “ash”
They’ll do anything for a buck
Even if the product is trash
Every picture is perfect
Not a hair out of place
Not a wrinkle or a pimple
On their blemish-free face
The restaurants pay them
And give them free food
They post the perfect picture and scream
“How many have viewed???”
And not just free food
But plate upon plate
And yet somehow these GF influencers
Never gain weight
They promote unsafe “GF” pizza
And promote unsafe “GF” beer
How they do this and sleep at night
To me is unclear
Should I call them out by name
Should I tell you who they are
Perhaps I’ll give you hints
So you put them on your radar
One says “NoBread”
And another says “FollowMe”
If you follow them now
I suggest you unfollow thee
Yes there are more
Too many to mention
But I think I’ll stop there
And not give them the attention
Now I can hear what you’re saying
“Dude…aren’t you an influencer?
I mean you have a decent following
Don’t you influence sir?”
Here’s the big difference
I’m community first
To put profit over people
Is seriously just the worst
I’ve been blogging for 10 years
(Holy sh*t how time flies)
I don’t do paid reviews
And I don’t advertise
Let me be clear
It’s ok making money
We all gotta pay bills
And put food in our tummy
“Influencing” and being an “influencer”
Are two different things
One does it for the community
And the other for what it brings
So who should you follow
So you don’t get fleeced?
Well there’s the Gluten-free Globetrotter
And Celiac and the Beast
You’d like Michelle and her kitchen
And Inspired RD
The one and only GF Jules
And Mike from Philly
For those I’ve not mentioned
For those that I’ve missed
I appreciate what you do
Please don’t be pissed
So yeah…there are more
But my point it’s been made
There are influencers that actually help
Compared to those who just wanna get paid
So all you celiacs
Watch who you follow
Listen the wrong people
And gluten you may swallow
They don’t care about you
They don’t care about me
I’d like to write more
But I really gotta pee
And so in closing
Please listen to my words
Good people “influence”
But “influencers” are turds
Maybe some day
The world will come to its senses
And those who lie for money
Will suffer the consequences
But that’s not where we are
Not yet anyway
But a Gluten Dude may dream
I wish you all a good day!
23 thoughts on “An Ode to Gluten-free Influencers”
Perfect. Absolutely 100% accurate. I so tired of “gluten free” looked at as cool, or trendy.
I will say it seems better than it was 5 years ago. Baby steps I suppose.
Now if only Bruce could put this to music. I picture something done acoustically.
Funny you should mention…I tried to close out the poem with a Bruce lyric, but couldn’t find any that worked.
And sadly many of these “influencers” and “wannabes “ actually APPROACH legitimate certified businesses and those they know nothing about TELLING THEM that they NEED TO PAY THEM and send FREE FOOD so they can HELP THEIR BUSINESS GROW.
It’s a strange world we live in.
Urrgh! I know what you mean. I went nuclear about this once. But in all honesty I’ve only been part of the community for three years. Before that I still thought I had a FODMAP problem.
The pandemic has hit my local area hard, I’m only really comfortable going to one cafe now, that’s 100% GF in my area. So if someone wants to do a “showcase of Celiac safe stuff in Durham, NC” it will be a short list. Most of the bakeries don’t even sell to the public directly, like JPs and Imagine.
Meanwhile “Allergy Free Gluten Free” type conventions do happen yearly (except last year), and sure enough the cross contaminated vendors will be out in force once again. If you complain about it, all the locals just bite your head off. I linked the article I wrote after I privately and then publicly asked the organizer of a local convention to keep cross contaminated vendors out of the convention. The ensuing flame war taught me all I need to know about the self justifications that people use to keep on eating stuff and selling stuff cross contaminated with gluten.
Profits over people.
This is why I don’t eat in restaurants almost ever.
So, thanks GD, I’m here because I’m not going quietly into that glutened night.
You’re so right Dude!
Just eat real food people and not the expensive disgusting crap filled stuff.
This is my new favorite poem. Mostly due to the fact that you chose to rhyme famous and anus.
Thanks for all you do!
Lol. And you are quite welcome.
Here Here Gluten Dude! I often get asked by others how much I ‘make’ with my website and whether they can do it too.
I spend so much money buying products to test and travelling to visit 100% safe places; they tend to give up after a little while or promoting things I would never.
It’s really hard to see, especially when they say they have Coeliac Disease.
You would think they would understand that the community always comes first.
For most people, it’s “me” first.
You would think…wouldn’t you?!
Remember me?- Wildflour in Lawrenceville? We are still hangin in! We are proud to be part of the community too.
Hi Marilyn! Nice to hear from you. My friend Gina was just in your shop and brought me a loaf of your coffee cake. Delish!!
We are starting to sell to retail. Our cake loaves, biscotti, mini pies among other things are at Di Bruno’s in Wayne PA
I grew up in S Jersey! When I saw the 609 I was like awww! My friend just bought a house near Princeton so I’ll probably visit sometime, I’ll be sure to look you up! 🙂
In in NYC now. Moved a few years ago.
Yay!!!! I love Wildflour treats, but moved & haven’t been to Lawrenceville in years. Will definitely trek to DiBruno’s.
Speaking of not promoting bad products and selling out. Google is sunsetting the ability of Blogspot to email people your article upon publication.
I got a cryptic message about “RSS to Email from Feedburner” is going away in June. I finally figured out it was the email your subscribers feature that was going away.
My blog is not monetized. I have no affiliates that pay me if someone buys something after clicking through from my site. No ads on my site. Any option I’ve found to replace the feature I am about to lose will cost me about $150/year or more. Maybe not right away, but because of incidental costs.
They’re basically trying to force all the small blogs to become businesses. Or I’m missing something?
Is Google Analytics so desperate to have me activate monetization that they’re willing to remove Email Subscribers on Publish capability? SMH
Yeah…it’s a bummer about Feedburner.
She doesn’t have a blog, but I’d like to say many thanks to Bette Hagman. I was diagnosed in 1989, and “The Gluten-Free Gourmet” came out in 1990. Her work was a lifesaver for me.