Win a $100 PF Chang's Gift Card


You folks have been so awesome in creating this wonderful gluten-free community, I thought it’s time to give back a little.

If you recall last month, I wrote a post about PF Chang’s. In response to my post, PF Chang’s graciously sent me a $100 Gift Card.

Now, I could have done a few things with it:

– I could have declined it. That wasn’t happening.

– I could have used it myself, but that would have been pretty hypocritical, since my post was about not going there anymore.

– I could have given it to a friend or family member. Boring.

– I could run a contest on my blog and give it somebody who would truly appreciate it, as many in the gluten-free community have no issues with PF Chang’s. Bingo!

Here are the simple rules:

  • To enter the contest, you must write a letter to gluten in the comments section below. So your comment should start “Dear Gluten…”
  • Try your best to be interesting, funny and/or passionate. What would you say to gluten if given the opportunity.
  • The winner will be selected at random using
  • Only one entry per email address. Make sure you leave an accurate email address, as that’s how I’ll be notifying the winner.
  • The contest will run for two weeks, ending at midnight on July 12, 2012.

Good luck to all!

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76 thoughts on “Win a $100 PF Chang's Gift Card”

    1. This is just so sublimely perfect and funny.
      The minute I saw it, I cracked up and thought, how can you top that one-liner?

  1. Dear Gluten,

    I already told you, it’s over. I don’t know why you have to show up everywhere I go. I go to a birthday party, there you are in the cake, as if that is supposed to tempt me. You show up in breads delivered in the restaurant. You should know better-that is far too obvious. Sometimes you try to sneak into bean dip, even, but I am watching you.

    At our company banquet you thought you’d sneak by my lips through omission of information about the menu. Fat chance, I anticipated your move and skipped out. I wasn’t about to let you embarrass me. I would have been sick for weeks if I had let that happen.

    It’s not going to work. I’ve got rice and tapioca and corn now, and they treat me so much better. They can hide in cake too, and they make it pretty delicious and they make me feel so good. Even my other friends want them. You should be jealous because pretty soon no one is going to want you and your fake genes. Everybody knows by now that a big part of you has been enhanced. Genetic modification is never the answer.

    It’s over-get over it. I’m not coming back. EVER.


  2. Dear Gluten,
    You are such a jerk! You have ruined some of my favorite foods! You have to stop crashing my parties and dinners you stalker! Every time you show up, the “silly ass disease” comes with you! I have had to make new friends and try new things. Not everything works out but I keep trying and trying. Not everyone understands why I have to be so careful about you popping up but they try to be understanding. So goodbye Gluten, be a stranger and don’t let the door hit you in the silly ass on your way out!


    P.S. Since I left you, I have been able to quit smoking and not gain a pound! 😉

  3. Dear Gluten,
    I miss you. You make bread and cakes so happy and fluffy. You also make my stomach bloated and unhappy but that’s ok because it tastes so delicious.
    You sly trickster you. You tease me with your delicious fluffiness when I can’t have you. Celiac says you make me sick. If it came down to it, you know it would be you I pick.
    But now I am Gluten Free. Interesting how much better it can be. So If one more thing can be said. I would like to say that I’d take rice or corn instead.

  4. Amy -The Quirky Gluten Free Runner

    Dear Gluten,

    You have made me embrace the part of childhood I didn’t like–packing a cooler for road trips. You have made me save money due to this.

    However, dear Gluten, you have wrecked havoc on my ability to go to my favorite places–mom and pop restaurants and even the fabulous State Fair (of the musical fame), as it’s hard to enjoy being able to walk around the fair and see all there is to see without being able to dine on the gigantic tenderloins. Then again, I have come to despise the smell of anything deep fried (and my thighs thank you for that).

    Gluten, you make me sick to my stomach (and small colon), so sick that I want to barf. But you also make me appreciate the loved ones in my life who watch out for me when I am tired or just so frigging hungry due to having to have a salad. . . again (and I forget to ask for no croutons). Who needs them anyway.

    On the plus side, I eat much better now than I did for much of my 20s. . . I eat like I’m a farm kid again –great food, naturally gluten free!

    Gluten, you and your pal MSG, can go hang out at the FDA’s building. . . we know you’re best pals anyway, as both of you have managed to get away with the least strict labeling.



  5. Cease and Desist Order

    Dear Gluten

    It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized entrance to my system and have thus negatively affected my health. I have reserved all rights to my body and choice of nourishment and I have registered the copyright.

    Your work entitled wheat flour pizza crust, and which appears in stores all over, is essentially identical to the gluten free pizza crust and clearly used the gluten free crust as its basis.

    You neither asked for nor received permission to enter my system nor to affect my health. Therefore, I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

    I demand that you immediately cease the entrance of my system and that and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights of health in the future.

    If I have not received an affirmative response from you by July 31st 2012 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall consider taking any and all legal remedies available to rectify this situation.



  6. Dear Gluten,

    I am 21, and never had a real beer. I will always get drunk faster than my friends because I can only drink hard liquor. I will never play beer pong or flip cup. I will never do a keg stand. I will always be broke because my drinks cost way more than a $5 pitcher.
    No more late night Waffle House runs. No more ordering pizza at 5am. No more living off Ramen noodles and Pop Tarts.
    Thank you, Gluten, for making my college experience utterly unique.

    The Healthiest College Student Ever.

    1. I feel your pain about beer and other alcohol! I stopped drinking it at 20 (yes, under age I know) because one beer made me puke before I knew I was Celiac. Here’s a tip – try drinking white wine with sprite or ginger ale in it for a wine spritzer. Or, indulge and buy yourself a Strongbow hard cider or other apple cider beverage. It’s light and refreshing and you can get it at many bars these days.

  7. Dear Gluten:

    When we broke up, I was 44 years old. I had had decades of pizza, cakes, flour tortillas, etc. But, why oh why, do you have to target the kids. Why do you ruin every child’s class pizza party, every child’s birthday party, and even the college rights of passage – beer!

    I don’t even miss you anymore. You are toxic to me!

    Donna in Denver

  8. Dear Gluten,

    I don’t know why I’m writing you. Its like you’re the ex- that never goes away, the one that you have to see and awkwardly say “hey” to in the street but are secretly screaming “run, run away!” inside.

    Life is great without you. Heck, aside from being tired, I can’t complain. You’ve made me rethink my diet o’crap and make it healthy again. So in the end, I got a great haircut, met some nice new grains, and moved on.

    You should do. Stop trying to sneak your way back into my life. I don’t want you nor need you.

    And just so you know, I’m telling all my friends about your dirty tricks. You can’t cheat on them anymore, either. My restaurant worker friends are making their food healthier without you. My overweight friends are losing it, thanks to giving you the kiss off. My sports friends are doing better (one’s even in line to potentially go to the Olympics!) without you.

    Just leave. No one cares about you anymore.


  9. Thank you so much. I am grateful to be departed from your grip. My mind has opened to so many other varieties of food that are way better for me. Thank you for letting me catch you in the act of ruining my health. Because of you, I have met so many wonderful people and found an inner will inside me that I didn’t know I had. I see you everywhere and I used to see it as a downer, but now I stand tall and walk right past you and straight into vegetables, meat, dairy, eggs, legumes, and fruits arms. I am so glad that I am healing from your abuse. I have moved on and fallen in love with gluten free. Yes gluten free has its ups and downs but it sure does know how to care for my well being and has never given up on me. Gluten free continues to pick me up and has always had my back. I have adapted to a whole new lifestyle because of you and I will never look back. Gluten free has my heart, soul, mind, and health and you will never measure up to that kind of love. Goodbye Gluten.

  10. Dear Gluten,

    Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written, but you broke my heart. You know how much I always loved pizza and beer. “The food of the Gods.”, I always said. Not to mention bagels. What’s my life without a bagel for breakfast? And pasta! Oh my God! If anything holds a candle to pizza, it’s gotta be lasagna. I loved lasagna. But, you’ve gone and changed all that. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to forgive you. But I’m trying
    But, I guess the truth is that you’re not entirely to blame. I have to place most of the culpability on my own long-ago ancestors who got a bright idea one day, and invented something called “agriculture.” By learning to farm and grow grains, they inadvertently introduced things into the human diet that I our bodies were not quite adapted for. Oh sure, they tasted good and were easily stored, but they caused their problems too. One of them was a thing we now call “celiac disease.” And I guess that I hold some of the blame as well, since I apparently have some sort of genetic predisposition to this most unwelcome malady. So, I guess there is really no one thing to blame, but rather a number of them, and I suppose that none of them really had any idea of what the long-term consequences of the what their actions would be. But, that being said, it all doesn’t really make me feel any better. After all, I’m going to have to live with the results for the rest of my natural life.
    And then, there was all the tests. Stool samples, blood tests, endoscopies, x-rays, and even a CAT scan. I was a little worried there for a while, you know? I thought maybe I had cancer or something. As badly as I was feeling, I was sure that something had to seriously wrong with me. Not that celiac disease isn’t serious, of course. It is. Not only can it ruin your life, it can lead to all sorts of other illnesses. Weight loss, malnutrition, and anemia were just the first things I began to worry about. Now, I’m fretting over the possibility that I could develop osteoporosis. I’m having to think about keeping an eye on things like body mass Index, bone mineral density, and urinary calcium levels. All because of you. Like I said, I’m trying to forgive you. But, it’s hard. I’ve had to completely change the way I live, the way I eat, the way I do my grocery shopping. Reading ingredient labels, keeping an eye out for potentially harmful added ingredients. It’s a pain. And forget about eating out, there’s just no way to tell what’s in their food! So, I stay home, and do all my own cooking. Spend time on the Internet, doing research. Making trips to the library to check out books. Hoping that someday I may find a treatment regimen that will allow to feel better enough to resume something resembling a normal life. But, I don’t know. It seems that you have changed my life forever, and not in a good way.
    So, I’m trying to forgive you. If only for my own peace of mind. So, that I can get on with my life without the anger and deep resentment that I’ve been harboring towards you. Do you have any idea what you’ve done? I don’t think that you really do. So, with mixed emotions I’m writing you this letter in the hopes that I can finally forgive you and move on with my life. If you feel inclined to offer me an apology, I would consider accepting it. But, I don’t think that we can ever really be friends again. And that hurts. Deeply.


  11. Dear Gluten,

    Once, you were my best friend. You were there to comfort me in times of stress, and to celebrate my victories.

    Then, the symphony began. The gastric distress you caused has been endemic. Friends refer to the cacophony of sounds that your gas has invoked.

    I became aware that you and I needed to part company. Oh sure, the scale thanked me and my food bills increased, while my stomach settled down. Vanity was not part of the equation. Being healthy, without the gastric distress you caused, feels better than any joy you ever brought me. Farewell Gluten, hello healthy!

  12. Dear Gluten,

    I wanted to write you a little poem to let you know how I feel about you. I hope you understand that, while I miss you sometimes, I’m so much better off without you.

    (Based on “Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening” by Robert Frost)

    Whose food this is I think I know
    Their house is full of flour, though
    They will not see me eating here
    To shake with pain and dizzy so

    My friends and family think it queer
    To walk away when bread is near
    Between the doughnuts and the cake
    On every evening of the year

    I give my tired head a shake
    And wish that there was some mistake
    But there is none; I cannot sweep
    The thought away of pain and ache

    The tastes are lovely, sweet and deep
    But I’ve a life I want to keep
    And miles to go before I sleep
    So much to do before I sleep

    Best regards…

    1. Amy -The Quirky Gluten Free Runner

      I LOVE THIS. . . doesn’t help that the Frost poem is one of my favorites either 😀

  13. Dear Gluten,

    You do not define me.

    It’s been a roller coaster of emotions since you packed your bags and left my intestines 9 years ago. You thought you were cool and all that..partying it up.. reeking havoc on my villi. It was good to rid of you…but I do digress from time to time with the sweet memories of convenience that you provided me. It’s ok. I’m ok. I’m actually better than ok. Since you’ve been gone, my life has changed for the better. It’s true, you did a lot of damage for 33 years and I suffer from that. But I choose the bright side. My glass is half full and you can’t take that from me, Mister. I am happy to have my feet firmly planted on the earth instead of beyond. Because a gluten free life can be a really good life. Your absence has allowed me to meet new people and explore different possibilities. That part is awesome. I know you miss me and lurk around every corner. It’s sly of you to try and slip back in once in awhile. Such is life. You do not define me, gluten. “I” define me.

    1. Miss Dee Meanor

      Hahaha!!! Love this! I may have been guilty of using my fingers for the math question once..or twice…maybe.

      1. ha ha ha!!! So sad, but true. I think Gluten Dude added the math question at the end just to remind us that we’re all in this brain fog together. 🙂

  14. Dear Gluten,
    You are such a sneaky little booger. Just when I think I’ve gotten rid of you, I find out about another place you’re showing up. When will you get the hint and stay out of my life and the products I need & want.

  15. Dear Gluten,

    It’s not you, it’s me. Oh wait, that’s wrong. It actually is you. You make me ill. I am done with you. I am mucher stronger without you.

  16. Dear gluten,
    I am just writing to say that I am soooo over you. I thought the breakup
    Would be hard but I am the happiest I have ever been. I was so tired of being dragged down by you! Thanks for making it so easy to get over you.

    Ps- the least you can do is make your presence blatantly apparent instead of sneaking into things! I wish you were neon green so I would at least know when you were around.

  17. Dear Gluten,
    Please identify yourself. Am I sick because I ate too much GF pizza in a frenzy or was it the flu or was it you?. Was the pizza not really GF? I still love pizza (I threw out the leftovers from that specific one) but I hate you.

  18. Dear gluten,

    It’s been a long run – this I know. You’ve been with me for 27 years, so I understand how intertwined both of our lives are. But, unfortunately, I think we’ve just grown apart. I know I know, it’s hard to hear something like that. Especially coming from someone whom you’ve clearly grown so fond of. However, I need to focus on me right now – and being with you, well…it’s just not a healthy relationship anymore. We’ve been through so much together. You’ve watched me grow and blossom to be a real adult – a proud and strong career woman. We shared special moments together like high school prom, college graduation, and even many many many dates. Listen, I’m having a really hard time processing this myself. Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here – someone heartless who just wants to throw all of our time away. I think we both are to blame for this one. I mean, without my genetics, we wouldn’t be in this situation today. Okay, stop tearing up. I know these words are hard to hear. Well – maybe we should just sing about it. Yes, I did already write a song, because I knew that my words would be hard to stomach (much like you). Let me just get my guitar, and I’d like to sing you how I feel – acoustically, in the song stylings of Justin Beiber’s “Baby”…

    Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
    I know you’re in bread
    I know you’re rye
    Just shout free cupcakes
    And Id be there
    You were pa-sta
    You were my heart
    And we would never ever ever be apart

    Di-ag-nosed Celiac?
    Girl quit playin’
    No wheat for lifetimes?
    What are you sayin’
    Said this is more than just food sen-si-ti-vi-ty
    My first disease broke my gut for the first time

    And I was like glu-ten glu-ten glu-ten oh
    like glu-ten glu-ten glu-ten oh
    I thought you’d always be mine mine

    Oh oh
    For you, I would have done whatever
    And I just can’t believe I’m cooking quinoa
    But I wanna be safe and cool
    And I’m losin’ you
    Thanks to an en-dos-co-py
    And genetic test-ing
    Cause I’m in pieces
    Glu-ten fix me
    And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream
    I’m goin’ free free free free
    And I just can’t believe my loaf of bread won’t be around

    And I was like glu-ten glu-ten glu-ten oh
    like glu-ten glu-ten glu-ten oh
    I thought you’d always be mine mine

    Well, thank you for hearing me out. I know that everything is easier to take when said through song. I’m sorry, but it has to be this way. Goodbye, gluten. I know we’ll probably see each other every day, but it’s best that we don’t touch. In fact, I would prefer not to even be around you. Please respect my feelings.


  19. Dear gluten,
    Shall i compare thee to a tempting thing
    thou art more sneaky and more damaging
    Rough days do taunt me with your tempting smell,
    And restaurant’s hath all too small a choice
    Sometime too much the tears stream from my face
    And often is your good dimm’d by the pain
    And every bread and treat will lose their awe,
    Whole Foods will make the troubles fade away
    But my fear of you grows with every day
    And just a speck of crumb on my fresh plate
    Will leave me with a pain t’wont go away
    When in the past i ate you everyday
    I now eat free from your long lasting ways
    So long live I and this gives hate to thee.

    (a parody of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18)


  20. Dear Gluten,

    Contraire to popular belief, I do not need you. Contraire to popular opinion, you are not the wonder ingredient which sustains humanity.

    I get my nutrients, and therefore my health, without you. I don’t rely on you for ease of texture of a baked item. I don’t rely on you for an easy convenient snack. Why? Because I’m a celiac survivor!

    Goodbye, gluten, and don’t you come around here no more cuz I’m not having any cross-contamination issues with you.



  21. Dear Gluten,

    Please stop hiding in sneaky places. I don’t even know why you would need to be in chicken broth or a package of mashed potatoes. I’m sick of reading EVERY label at the store.


  22. Dear Gluten,

    Oh, how I loved you so!
    My first taste of you was in a Zwieback cookie as a babe.
    I drooled over you.
    And then, you were in my Cheerios and Frosted Flakes.
    My childhood is filled with happy moments with you.

    Girl Scout cookies. S’mores around a campfire.
    After school, butter spread on graham squares.
    Cinnamon/sugar on buttered toast with tea shared with my Mommy.
    Peanut butter and jelly sammies on Sunbeam bread for lunch (or about 4 years straight.)
    and when I was sick? what else? Toast to soothe my tummy.
    Oreos and a big glass of cold milk with Daddy while we read story books.

    My Gramma’s lamejun and rice pilaf and baklava.
    Oh, I was hooked. I craved your company!
    My Mom’s to- die- for apple pie that was always my birthday “cake”.
    That just made me swoon.

    I was born on Thanksgiving and that holiday was ALL about you!
    I shared that whole day with you –as I shared everyday—and I made you the center of the universe.
    Stuffing, pie, rolls, gravy.
    And you were even better on the second day! ooh la la

    Bagels and quiche on Sundays with the NY Times.

    I learned to cook and bake and I made you the star!

    Lasagna, calzone, muffins, brioche, and THE perfect pizza dough.
    A squishy French loaf or artisinal bread or crostini with tapenade that would make people beg for more.

    Ah, we were quite a pair!!
    I was so loyal.

    But you? You turned on me.

    And I never saw it coming.
    You struck me down and tried to make me go mad.
    You even tried to kill me.
    Shame on you!

    Truth is, I miss you like any ex- lover.
    It was fun while it lasted, and I have no regrets, but
    you are a sneaky, rotten cad and I
    bad mouth you every chance I get.

    You’re dead to me.

  23. Kyna Hockenberry

    Dear gluten,

    Up until last week I didn’t really know who you were or that you hated me so. I mean seriously, what did I do to you to deserve being poisoned! I digress… jokes on you cause now that I know who you are i’ll avoid you at all costs!! I assume this detox/withdrawal is your last desperate attempt to take me down. You shall fail sir, good day. I said good day!

  24. Dear Gluten.

    Its been a long time since I had you
    Your elasticity gives bread a great chew
    But whenever we meet
    I’m sick and so weak
    For years I hadn’t a clue

    My stomach has almost recovered
    From the pain and the symptoms you bring
    When I feel I might cheat
    I know that the wheat
    Will make me just cling to the loo

    So for years, now, my gluten free diet
    Has left you behind in the store
    I’m unwilling to try
    The gluten in pie
    Or in anything else at your core.

    No longer love,

  25. Dear Gluten

    I’ve been told I’m funny, witty and sometimes really goofy. Half the the time I have no clue because I’m in the fog. Wait a second, what exactly are we supposed to be writing about? I’m confused you took my brain away!!

  26. Dear Gluten,

    I feel so much better without you. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m glad we parted.

    I also wish to thank you, for in the quest to give you up, I have found a much healthier way to eat.

  27. Dear Gluten:

    As you can see from the pantry, I’m kicking you out. Look if you must, but there are no more cookies, cupcakes, bread or flour. The pasta is in the shopping bag and the Oreos are in the bottom of the suitcase. The bottom, you ask? Did I have to be so bitter about it? Yes, in fact, I had to. They are Double Stuff, after all.

    Our relationship started out so well. There was that Saturday afternoon peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and the late night cookie binge. Sunday mornings were always reserved for donuts. Oh, the memories will stay with me forever. But the memories weren’t always good, were they?

    You have to take responsibility for the diarrhea. While you taught me a valuable lesson about the availability of restrooms along the 91, 10, 60 and 210 Freeways, you also taught me never to trust a fart. Because of you, I’ll never trust one again. Are you proud of yourself? And what about the heartburn that kept me up nights asking why, oh why would you treat me this way? Especially when we had such great times together! The worst part, of course, was the anemia. Four blood transfusions, gluten. FOUR.

    I’ve had it with you. You’re never going to change and I can’t accept you for who you are.

    Leave the key. You won’t be needing it again.



  28. Dear Gluten,

    We spent 25 beautiful years together – but as you know, we had to part ways 10 years ago. You know why, you were making me ridiculously sick and were hiding from the doctors. You even allowed the doctors to think I was the crazy one, but nope – I was finally able to catch you red-handed.

    Yes, I do miss you from time to time…. I may even grieve our separation, but don’t keep trying to make your way back into my life. I see you stalking me every time I look over my shoulder. I know you’re there hiding in the most discreet places. But, I’m on to you now. I also have lots of new friends that help me to locate you and advise me of your ill intentions (no pun intended!)

    I thought we could part amicably, but it’s been a rough transition. I am even more angry with you now that you have decided to invade my cousin’s life as well. I thought I was the only one in my family you felt you needed to screw with, but now I see you’re moving on to new pastures. Ok, you got her…. but, now she’s wise to you as well and is going to stay as far away as possible. I have told her all about you – don’t try to be sneaky with her… she’s too smart for you. Yes, there is no denying that she will mourn you as well – but more than anything…. don’t you dare attack her children. This is between you, me & my cousin – let’s leave it at that.

    I’m watching you. Ok…..I miss you. But, never again will we be together. Fool me once, shame on you…. fool me twice – nope, ain’t gonna happen.

    Hasta la vista, Gluten.


  29. Dear Gluten,
    You thought you’d defeat me, but I proved you wrong. You thought if you would keep coming at me eventually I’d give in, but it isn’t happening. I’m learning every day to live better and healthier without you. I’m learning to make better decisions than I made when you were in my life. I’m learning how to create discipline and self-awareness and you can’t be a part of that. You give me nothing but try to take so much. At first it really hurt the way you disrupted my life, but now, I forget when you’re not even there. I don’t notice what I’m missing as each day goes by. Time heals all wounds and time without you will heal any wounds you gave me. Time without you makes it only easier to move on. I’m glad you left my life and no matter how often you may make those “surprise” visits it only reminds me how much better off I am without you. Thank you, Gluten, for showing me what was wrong in my life and how leaving you made it better than it ever was before.
    Good riddance,

  30. Laura Petruchik

    Gluten Rap
    You never cease to amaze me,
    How you look so good and then play me.
    You always keep it together, make things rise,
    Then I feel the betrayal deep inside.
    So tasty, so smooth, but I gotta get rid –
    Gotta find a new base to my pyramid.
    Everywhere I look, there you are – so sly
    The plural of villain – that’s what you are to my villi.

  31. Thanks for letting us play! Peace, Love and Lennon

    Dear Gluten (Sung to the tune of Dear Prudence)

    Dear Gluten, won’t you get out my way?

    Dear Gluten, out of my life you’ll stay
    I’ve wizened up, I’m through with you
    Barley, Malt and Rye grains too
    Dear Gluten, won’t you get out my way?

    Dear Gluten, I finally realized
    Dear Gluten, fog lifted from my eyes
    My rash is gone, my joints now spring
    You muddled up most everything
    Dear Gluten, I finally realized

    Doctors give run a round
    (Round, round, round, round ,round
    Round, round, round, round, round)


    Dear Gluten, you’re going in the trash pile
    Dear Gluten, by you I’m not beguiled
    My energy I will regain
    So in my house you can’t remain

    Dear Gluten, you’re going into the trash pile

    Dear Gluten, out of my life you’ll stay
    Dear Gluten it’s a brand new way
    I’ve wizened up, I’m through with you
    Barley, Malt and Rye grains too

    Dear Gluten, won’t you get out my way?

  32. Dear Gluten-

    You followed the pattern of every bad relationship I’ve ever had. It started out good, we got along well and enjoyed each other’s company. I think it’s love.
    But then you start treating me badly. I ignore it, because I love you and can’t imagine our life apart. You realize this and start to become more brazen. You hurt me to the point that I can’t go on anymore in this unhealthy relationship.
    All my loved ones tell me to stay away from you. I try my best, but I do have little slip-ups at first. One little time won’t hurt, right?? But inevitably, you resort to your usual ways and hurt me again.
    Now that I’ve been away from you for years, I realize I don’t need you. You are toxic and I’m SO OVER toxic relationships.


  33. Dear Gluten,

    My gluts no longer can take your punishment. We’re breaking up.

    Your ex-best friend,

  34. Dear Gluten,

    There was a time when I thought I could never live without you. But now, when I play hard to get, it’s because I am.

    I don’t get nauseous every time I eat anymore.. I can fuel up and work out. I can do push ups now. I finished a Tough Mudder in May, and am training for a half marathon. All without you. I’m even co-founding a start-up because no one else should have to deal with the pain, sacrifices, and confusion you put me through for 12 long years.

    And you know what? You may have gotten dairy and soy to take your side, but in the end I win. I have never felt better, I have never been happier, and life has never been so enjoyable. So go tease someone else — I don’t want you. I’m not really sure why I ever did. I don’t care how well you’ve been hybridized, or how much ‘protein’ you have. Let the scientists have their fun. I’m over it.


  35. Dear Gluten,
    To be honest with you, I don’t even really know what you are or what you’re made of. I know you’re in a bunch of things I eat, and I’m hoping you get along with my body for a while. Otherwise, I’ll easily live without you in my food, as I am learning from previous letters to you.

  36. Dear Gluten,

    Without you, everything is more expensive. Gluten-free is often far, far from “free.”

  37. Richelle Pittman

    Dear gluten,
    I never knew you existed until a few months ago. I thought the killer tummy aches every time I ate, the nausea that never would go away, and problems at potty time was due to my chrons disease. You tricked me. Yeah you had me whooped for years but now I’ve got you. Not many understand you around here but that don’t hold me back. I have family and brothers and sisters in Christ who help me keep an eye on you. So booyah!!!!!

    Honey Island, Texas

  38. dear gluten,

    I crave the foods you are in, but you arent nice to my body. fortunately, there are many recipes which i can take you out of, like fun products like almond flour. Therefore, I’m sorry i have to break it to you this way, but we are over. no hard feelings


  39. Dear Gluten: I won’t pretend to disown you. As much as I’d like to be strong enough to rid my life of you, I know better. I’m too week. I need you in my life. I’m not strong enough to live without you. I’m not self righteous and I’m far from perfect.
    I can’t blame you for killing me or poisoning my body – I’m sure the M&Ms and chocolate shake I had for lunch and the 2 pound t-bones, baked potato and sour cream are going to do that all on their own. So, since I’m alredy headed down a path of heart attacks and high cholesterol I might as well have my cake and eat it too.

    Sincerely, Gluten Lover

  40. Dear Gluten,

    Sorry it had to end this way … It wasn’t your fault … Things just didn’t work out … There’s somebody out there for you … It’s just not me …


  41. Dear Gluten,

    You make me sick to my stomach. I used to miss you, but since you left my life almost 10 years ago, I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.

    My life is so much better without you.


  42. Dear Gluten,

    You’re such a pest! Sometimes I can have you and you treat me well. Other times, you wanna sneak up on me and ruin my night out with friends. I told you it was over. I told you that I didn’t love you anymore. It’s all take and no give with you!

    I really need you to take this seriously. You’ll always be a part of my life-you’re everywhere I go. I can’t go a day without seeing you, hearing your name or feeling your aftereffects. I wish I could love you, but I just can’t and it’s time that I do something for myself.

    Please understand. You’re delicious, but I can’t go on like this.

    It’s me, not you,

  43. Dear Gluten,

    I’m sorry, but we cannot be friends anymore. I love you, but I can tell that you do not feel the same way about me. This one-way relationship just isn’t working out anymore. I cannot stand feeling this way.

    We must part ways. I will miss you.


  44. Dear gluten,

    Yes, the irony is not lost on me. I spent many, many hours of my life working to make your bonds stronger to make my bread tastier, better, more perfect. And now I spend equal amounts of time trying to avoid you. That’s some hold you have on my life.

    I just want you have given me a gift. My desire for you and my passion to make you the best you could be helped me make a name for myself as a first class baker in my various circles. And my need to avoid you gave me a challenge like I’d never before had. How do I uphold that status without inviting you to the party? And, moreover, my need to avoid you has helped me learn to stand up for myself.

    “No, I am not selfish because I refuse to bake cinnamon rolls for you.” “No, this is not simply a personal choice, and you should think about that opinion before you lose a friend.” “Yes, I will be bringing my own food.” “Yes, I do need to know EVERY ingredient.” It may be a hassle. It may lead to ill feelings. But it is teaching me, a situation at a time, to take ownership of my health and to put it before the feelings of inconsiderate people.

    Yes, given the choice to have you pain-free, I’d still choose you over this. But we can’t control everything, and I’m determined to make my life without you even more fulfilling and wonderful than life with you. So back off. You’re still not invited to the party.


  45. onerockinmomma

    Dear Gluten,

    Can you please explain yourself. I am tired of explaining you, getting strange looks, and of hearing of “what can you eat”? Actually I am so tired I can not finish this letter.

  46. Dear Gluten,
    I wish you were the only thing my significt other couldn’t eat. He was just diagnosed with gastroparesis, meaning a paralyzed stomach, so now he needs to eat a low fiber diet as well as gluten free! I have two long lists on the fridge and in my purse of what he can and can’t eat! Now gluten free doesn’t even seem that inconvenient!

  47. Sharonda Frazier

    Dear gluten (you get a small “g”)

    I’m finally giving you some recognition in my life. Normally I ignore things that are aggressive, unpleasant and just downright unnecessary.

    Today I thank you. You motivated me to take more control of my health. To read labels on food better. To not just stuff anything in my mouth.

    Throughout my life, I ate so many things between two pieces of bleached tasteless white bread I’m ashamed to admit it. I believed that nothing topped “the next best thing to sliced white bread” You hit me like a ton of bricks in my head one day. It took over a year to figure out that you had invaded my body so completely that the only way to survive daily would be to let you go.

    You motivated me to be a small business owner. To give the young and old a place to come without fear of you or your allergy cousins. Now I feel good everyday about what I make and those that I serve will too. Thanks for the swift kick that led to a better life.

  48. Dear Gluten,

    It’s over! We’re through!
    It’s not me, it’s YOU…….you make me sick!

    I have found a better life without you in it!

  49. Dear Gluten,

    You are the ultimate food tempter. I see you mocking me from the grocery store aisles, I smell you drifting from the bakeries, I can feel your evil presence when I close my eyes. Cakes, cookies, donuts, biscottis, tarts, quiches, bread, fried foods, you invade everything.

    But you are not the only way to satisfy a carb craving. Rice, tapioca, teff, sorghum and more are my defense against you, and as mighty a defense as a girl could want.

    So keep trying, gluten. But you’re simply not good enough to crush my fortification.

    No Longer Your Plaything

  50. Dear Gluten, When we first met I did not know what you were. You hid your true identity from me for a good long time. Finding out what you REALLY were was quite a blow. I absolutely hate liars so I did a thorough background check on you and it totally blew my mind to find out what a horrible being you were and what you had been (and continue to do) doing to my body. Since I have learned about you you have also affected my mind and soul as well. It has kind of been like being an alcoholic. One day at a time. I still lust after soft, smushy Wonder bread or a fresh loaf of crusty Italian bread. My father in law and me used to fight over the “toots” (the end of the loaf). Needless to say there is no more good natured fighting over who gets the toots…Pops wins every time! Can I find a good crusty, hot loaf of Italian bread smothered in butter and doesn’t crumble? Nope! Gluten…I hate you and wish you would go away…far, far away…and never return!!!!!
    With Hatred,

  51. The Gluten Dude

    Thanks to EVERYONE for your submissions. I’ll be notifying the winner on Monday. And I’ll also be making a blog post with some of the best letters. You guys rock!

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Who I am. And who I'm not.

Who I am. And who I'm not.

I AM someone who's been gluten-free since 2007 due to a diagnosis of severe celiac disease. I'm someone who can steer you in the right direction when it comes to going gluten-free. And I'm someone who will always give you the naked truth about going gluten free.

I AM NOT someone who embraces this gluten-free craziness. I didn’t find freedom, a better life or any of that other crap when I got diagnosed. With all due respect to Hunter S. Thompson, I found fear and loathing of an unknown world. But if I can share my wisdom, tell my stories and make the transition easier on you, I’ve done my job.

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