An Ode to Shreddies Underwear

shreddies

Celiac disease
Is a disease of the gut
And more times than not
It’s a giant pain in the butt

A pain in the butt
Can mean so many things
For all the problems it causes
For all the angst in brings

But today we’re not talking about
The perils of our disease
What we will talk about, how should I put this gently
Passing gas, if you please

Toots, breaking wind, quiefs
Stepping on a duck
Rip one, cut a muffin, anal acoustics
That last one gets a big yuck

Farts, air biscuits, poots
Bottom burps and fluffs
Stinkers, trouser coughs, cutting cheese
Ok…that’s enough

Up until today
We’ve learned to live with our big stank
But now we’ve got some Shreddies
And the celiac gods I must thank

What’s a Shreddie you say
Is it a potion or a gel
Nope…it’s very special underwear
That covers up your smell

Well, technically it’s called
Flatulence-filtering underwear
But no matter what you call it
Life finally seems fair

You see a celiac’s insides
Are usually quite a mess
And when your tummy is a-rumbling
Your body’s in distress

So it’s out of our control
The thing that they call gas
It can happen at a party
It can happen during mass

It can happen at a meeting
It can happen at the gym
It can happen in an elevator
It can happen getting a trim

It can happen in the bedroom
When you’re asleep or you’re awake
It can happen in the worst possible moments
Yes…even at a wake

But now there is no reason
For you to live a life of fear
Shreddies to the rescue
To cover up your rear

So go ahead and let it rip
No one will ever know
You can cut a melon
And the smell will stay below

I know what you’re thinking
How can I thank you Gluten Dude
I can now go out worry free
With a whole new attitude

There is no need to thank me
I do this from the heart
Now go buy some Shreddies
And celebrate with a fart

(By the way, this post was sponsored by Poo-Pourri. “Leave the toilet smelling better than you found it.” And yes…this is a real product. Please watch the video below. You’ll be so happy you did.)

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23 thoughts on “An Ode to Shreddies Underwear”

  1. Thanks for the smile dude 😀 This is fun! I stopped smiling in August when my sweet little poodle died…been sick since then too. Does anyone think stress and sadness can make celiac active? I’ve lost 2 poodles and over 30 lbs in the past year 🙁 Keep the jokes coming….I need to laugh again!

  2. yup, “barking pants spider” is my all-time fave! hilarious video and absolutely silly pants.

    I come from a long line of proud hot dawg and beans-eating male Bostonians whose great joy lies in asking others to “pull my fingah!!” I was more of an SBD girl, much to my family’s dismay. And as a kid, we did not have a dog to blame it on.

    So, this is nothing to be ashamed of LOL
    and I sincerely doubt that if any one of us gets hit and has what I call the “gluten fahts” or worse, those noxious poops, NO spray on Earth is going to make a dent in that toxic mess. (a more effective approach is a lit match, but that could potentially cause an explosion…..)

    Thanks for the Friday giggle!!. Happy weekend.

    P>S> to Galwayfan, so very sorry about losing your doggy. Yes, I do think stress can cause autoimmunity flares. You have my deepest sympathy because I know how much it hurts to lose beloved pet. 🙁

  3. Dude if you encounter a barking spider, don’t try to hide her!

    Galaway, after 25 years in rescue & more deaths than can count my advice is this takes time. I’ve had the luxury of “the next project” coming in the door about the time the grief becomes too much to bare. I’ve had dozens of poodles over the years, over 10 12lb white male mini poodles in those years. While they may be hard to figure out who is who in photos, they were all very different in my heart.
    Suggestion is take some time. If you think maybe you’re ready volunteer as a dog walker for a shelter. Let the time be ready before the next dog comes into your life.
    I have a maltese foster right now & national mill dog rescue had 30 more come in last week (including a cute cafe-au-lait poodle) if there is interest. Many rescues will ship (with a local rescue home check) at no cost through roads of hope.

  4. Celiac Mindwarp

    It’s gassy drawers around here (though that’s a Mindwarp thing, rather than a British one).

    Happy Friday x

  5. Not funny, dude. Yes I get it, self deprecation is healthy and most of the other commenters seem to agree. But really? For a disease that is SO misunderstood by the public…do you want to stereotype Celiacs as “Prolific Farters”? If the ignorant public remembers anything about Celiac disease, it would tend to be funny information like this, don’t you think?. Why am so upset?… I have a young child who is Celiac. Friends at school don’t understand it, at least not like they do they do peanut allergies and such. So, please remember that in your effort to popularize your blog, you might be setting kids up for really awful bullying if this “funny attribute of Celiacs” is spread. I’m assuming you would not like bullies to pick on Celiac kids and say they need special underwear? As adults, we learn to laugh at ourselves, and I suppose that is why you had only supportive comments so far. However, to your supporting commenters: Would you be so cavalier about this if it was not a GF community that reads this blog? How many of you would also post on Facebook that you are a chronic farter because you are Celiac? Anyone willing to Tweet about your toots to everyone? If so, you are very comfortable with yourself, and I applaud you. But when it comes to my kids, I’ll remind you that your humorous take on this disease, at least in this case, is not appreciated at all.

    1. I appreciate your thoughts. I post a lot of serious sh*t on this blog, but once in awhile, I just want to lighten things up a bit. And humor is a good way to spread awareness.

      I see your points though and I will be more aware.

  6. …but that’s just it–it is a celiac community that reads this blog. An adult celiac community. Seriously, there is so much horrible, objectionable stuff on the internet and on social media–like kid porn and outright bullying of young girls so horrific that they take their own lives–that you should find heinous.

    I hardly think this one blog post is going to cause a rash of bullying
    of celiac children. How would any kid even find it? You think kids are googling celiac blogs to see what they can use to make fun of a celiac in their school? That’s a big reach, IMHO

    If bullying occurs, it’s not because of the topic, it’s because kids can be obnoxious to each other. I taught kids for 22 years. I know.
    And for the record, ALL kids think farts are funny. It’s not a “celiac thing”.

  7. Thank you for this post! I will definitely have to share this with my son! Tell him that’s one of his Christmas presents! We just had issues with this this morning on the way to school!!!

  8. Hilarious! Laughter is the best medicine! Hey GD, do you know why farts SMELL? So that EVERYONE can enjoy them, including those who are hearing impaired.:0)

  9. Hey Gluten Dude,
    Laughter is the best medicine and you fill my prescription day after day! I sent you this little ditty last October and you said you were going to put it on your website, but I never found it, so I’ll post it here now. I know…brain fog:0)

    Ode to Gluten Dude:

    On day’s I feel a little low,
    Off to Gluten Dude I go,
    He lifts my spirits, He makes me laugh,
    He’s a cheerleader on my behalf.
    Not just Me, but many others…
    All my celiac “sisters and brothers”.
    He understands, He can relate,
    To this disease that we all hate.
    Do we want it? Do we have a choice?
    No, but with Gluten Dude, we have a VOICE.

    Thanks, Gluten Dude! God bless you for all the things you do to stand in the gap for celiacs! Keep on keeping on! You are making a difference!

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Who I am. And who I'm not.

Who I am. And who I'm not.

I AM someone who's been gluten-free since 2007 due to a diagnosis of severe celiac disease. I'm someone who can steer you in the right direction when it comes to going gluten-free. And I'm someone who will always give you the naked truth about going gluten free.

I AM NOT someone who embraces this gluten-free craziness. I didn’t find freedom, a better life or any of that other crap when I got diagnosed. With all due respect to Hunter S. Thompson, I found fear and loathing of an unknown world. But if I can share my wisdom, tell my stories and make the transition easier on you, I’ve done my job.

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