An Ode to the Coronavirus

I fell asleep on Wednesday
Listening to Adele
I woke up on Thursday
And it was “Welcome to Hell”

Stabbing chest pains
And ungodly tired
A dry, hacking cough
Was it COVID-19 I acquired?

First it was cancer
Then celiac and clots
Did I now have the virus?
Do I dare connect the dots?

I didn’t have a fever
But still something just threw me
Yet I decided to ride out the storm
Like Wahlberg and Clooney

But then I thought to myself
Dude don’t be such a tool
For just this once in your life
Don’t play the part of the fool

So I called up my doc
And said “Hey…can I see you?”
She said there’s a pandemic you idiot
Coming in to see us is now taboo

But she set me up with Telehealth
To relieve some of my stress
And before I knew it
I had an appointment for a test

The morning of the test
I got a phone call
Sorry we can’t test ya
It’s no longer our protocol

Why couldn’t they test me?
They ran short on supplies
The Unites States government
Was caught by surprise

Well that’s what they said
But we know it was bullshit
But til the day that they die
They’ll never admit it

So back to Telehealth it was
I said “Doc…what do I do?”
She said assume you have Coronavirus
And not just the flu

Now I had to quarantine
For the following two weeks
No contact with the outside world
No sun on my cheeks

To make me feel better
I ate some ice cream
Then watched a concert on YouTube
Yes of course it was Springsteen

I posted on Facebook
That I had the virus and it was rough
The celiac community has been amazing
I seriously cannot thank you enough

Even though I was quarantined
I must give some thanks
To the people I hung out with
Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks

Then something weird happened
COVID-19 it was based
I lost all sense of smell
And all sense of taste

I can’t taste my coffee?
Or my tequila???
I’m sorry…let’s move on
I’m acting like a diva

Now I KNEW I had the virus
There was no longer a doubt
My Telehealth doc then confirmed it
She’s been amazing throughout

Well now I was a bit frightened
And Mrs. Dude she was scared
Though I’m not a religious person
I said a quiet prayer

I started to kick it
Like Bruce Lee in ‘The Wrecking Crew’
Then wouldn’t you know it
The virus has a F***ING PHASE 2!

My body was killing me
From my skin to my bones
Like I went 15 rounds
With the great Larry Holmes

Now let’s talk about the positives
I’ve slowed down life’s pace
My hands have never been cleaner
Now if I could just keep them off my face

I’ve put on a few pounds
But it’s nothing to dread
As I’m sure it’s just mostly
The mop of unruly hair on my head

Virtual happy hours
Are a pleasant undertaking
I can get in some laughs
Even though I’m aching

I’ve played lots of cards
With my wife and my daughter
They’ve been kicking my ass
It’s been quite the slaughter

I’ve read some great books
The Sixth Extinction and Dark Money
I’ve face-timed a lot with my other daughter
“I miss you tons honey”

I’ve picked up my guitar again
And my abilities have soared
After all of these years
I can finally play a barre chord!

Italy’s water is clean
LA lost its haze
Can we please keep this going
When we’re back to normal days?

What else has changed?
I’m so glad you asked
Before I go down for coffee
I have to put on a mask

I have a new crush
Even though I feel grouchy
The one and the only
The fab Dr. Fauci

At 7 each night
New York City makes me proud
I open my windows
And hear the roar of the crowd

People shouting, people clapping
Banging pots and banging pans
For all the health care workers
Every woman, every man

You put your life on the line
Every single damn day
Not all heroes wear capes
Our gratitude we can never repay

And also a shout out
To all the grocery staff
When this is all over
Can I have your autograph?

Over 100,000 have perished
That brings tears to my eyes
I’m so sick of politicians
And all of their lies

It’s not about you
Or the billionaire block
Who take all our money
And buy back their stock

It’s not about airlines
Or Carnival Cruises
It’s the middle class person
That typically loses

So let’s make a change
And let’s make it stick
As we mourn all the deaths
And care for the sick

Let’s make a point
And I mean this god dammit
To take care of each other
And especially our planet

As we move forward
From these terrible hours
Remind yourself to pause
Relax and smell the flowers

While handshakes and bro hugs
May take a while to come back
Tell someone you love them
And give them a virtual pat on the back

Let’s stop the bickering
The red states vs the blue
If we can all work together
From this we’ll pull through

If you’re one of those folks
Who refuse to stay home
Please listen to the science
So soon we can all roam

Well that’s all I got
What a three weeks it’s been
Let’s flatten that curve
And live full lives again

By the way I’m feeling better
No chest pain or cough
Be good and be safe
Gluten Dude…signing off